There are some things that just change once you have kids. Going out to eat is one of them. Let me explain by giving you an example of such an outing.
First we have to choose the restaurant. I always lean towards a lively place around here called Joes Crab Shack. This works for me for many reasons. You cannot hear the boys yell above the already loud music. This is particularly helpful when Ty yells out his bodily functions over dinner. The waiters/waitress line dance. This is free entertainment for the boys, thus giving me 3.2 minutes to shovel as much food in me as possible before I go back to referee-ing them. I can threaten to let the ginormous shark hanging from the ceiling eat them if they dont stop flipping popcorn shrimp everywhere. And lastly, they give a discount to AAA members. This helps to save for my childrens future therapy they will need to get past their aversion to line dancing and ocean dwelling creatures.
Next is the packing. If you think going on an over night trip as an adult is bad, you should see me pack for a dinner out. Heres what I bring: 2 plastic forks and 2 plastic spoons. They have to match in color to satisfy my OCD compulsion. This may require me to run the dishwasher. Which means packing may have to start up to an hour before we leave. I bring a 10 pound box of wipes. These arent just handy for potty breaks. These are wipes for the silverware that will most assuredly be dropped at least a few dozen times just while waiting for the food. I pack a bowl with a suction cup on the bottom. You laugh, but when there is spaghetti sailing in your direction, youll wish every mother had them. An extra shirt for each one. This is pretty self explanatory. Its easier than power washing. And lastly, bendy straws. They are the best thing ever. For some reason it is impossible for my children to grasp the concept of drinking out of a cup with a regular straw and not tipping said cup. Hence, the bendy straws. Basically, it looks like I ripped off a baby store to go out to dinner.
Once, we are there we proceed to give the kids a reminder crash course in table manners. Mostly this consists of not spitting your food on the plate and re-eating it. No throwing anything. The ketchup bottle is not an enormous bottle of fruit punch. Pepper burns when snorted. The lady at the table over there knows that she isnt at her ideal body weight; there is no need for you to point and yell that. No swatting the waitress on the butt.
After, much commotion we eat and after a lot more fanfare we manage to get up and go. Always remembering, of course, to leave behind a monster tip for out distraught server.
*Vintage
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