At Least There Wasn't a Cavity Search

So, a few weeks ago I went Mystic Tanning. I was trying to be MILF'd before a crazy wedding we were set to attend. I will blog on that later. Anyhow, my sister in law and myself were both first timers so we decided to go together. We bought what they call a cocktail tan. A clever scheme to get more money out of morons like us. Basically, you go to a regular tanning booth for 5 or 10 minutes and then head over to the Mystic tan. A mystic tan is this : sunless tanning lotion misted over your body. I know I know .... I am lazy even in "fake" tanning. I have told you before about this undesirable trait. Oh well. Anyhow, there are so many steps we had to actually watch a video on it. I began to get a little nervous about 15 minutes into the video. How am I supposed to remember all these steps?? I am going to turn out like Ross on that episode of Friends. I know it. The girl beind the counter said that one episode of Friends had single handedly destroyed a lot of business for Mystic tan. Seeing as how this cocktail cost me $30 bucks, they are doing ok I think. Anyhow, I get into the booth and hit the green button. Now, the video has informed me that you have 5 seconds from the time you hit the button to the time it begins "misting". So, I run back to the appointed circle .... assume the crazy position ... and remember that I forgot my goggles. I begin swearing. Crap. Well, I'll just close my eyes and hope for the best. Let me say that this thing is loud. I actually yelped. It scared me and I pant when I am scared. Now I am breathing in the "tanning mist". I worry that now I am going to grow cancer from the inside out from this. It's only supposed to last 14 seconds but my lungs are bursting. So as the nozzles point to my feet I suck in lungfulls of ... lotion! I open my eyes. I cannot see my hand in front of my face. It looks like the Fog has creeped in. Now, I have been using the term "mist" lightly. This mist was akin to the prison movies I have seen where they hose the prisoner down with a power washer. Anyhow, it suddenly stops dowsing me down and I quickly turn. By now, my knees are shaking and I am light headed from holding my breath. Well that, or the Fog is killing me. Anyhow, another 14 seconds and it is all done. Well, after the 5 hour developing period I looked pleasantly tan. I smiled at the wedding no one knowing I had just experienced the most terrifying afternoon of my life.

*Vintage Post